In light of anticipated economic downturn, New York City college students have gotten creative in their money-saving strategies. The most popular? Abstaining from food.
The Financial Wellness branch of Barnard’s LeFrak Center for Well-Being has decided to support their students through the hiring of a new staff member: Dr. Ana Rexia.
A board-certified dietitian specializing in “aspirational thinness,” Dr. Rexia received her PhD in Restrictive Studies at Columbia University’s School for Intentional Scarcity. She has vowed to help mitigate the ongoing economic crisis by offering some of the world’s most life-changing medical advice: “If you aren’t so happy with your numbers, whether it be the one in your bank account or the one on your scale, the solution is simple: just stop eating!”
In all of her appetite-suppressing glory, Dr. Rexia plans to roll out a new series of campus-thinning initiatives, including one in partnership with Barnard Dining. Planned to launch at the end of cuffing season (“no boyfriend, no food”), all dining hall meals are to be replaced with sugar-free soda, ozempic shots, and inspirational quotes like “be hungry for LEARNING!”
“It’s extremely cost-effective to not feed our students,” said Dr. Rexia in a statement. “Plus, they’ll be bikini-ready for that upcoming spring break trip to Cancun!”
