“Feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day?” begins the email sent to all Columbia University main campus students this morning. “Feeling hungry?” it continues, building to the climactic release that the monthslong rumors are true: “Order through Columbia Dining mobile this Valentine’s day and Chef Mike will bring his footlong to your dorm.” Serving depressed geriatric post-docs to fresh-blooded, and albeit slightly nervous, first-years, everyone is guaranteed a great first-time (mobile ordering) after receiving Chef Mike’s footlong. “I’m just so nervous with anticipation!” admitted first-year Virginia Neugen. “I get butterflies just thinking about my first-time: will his sandwich have that roast-beef red or that pink ham? I don’t know, but it sure sounds satisfying.” Even Chef Mike veterans are excited for a more personal experience with his girthy roll. One student, Mortimer A. Della, suggested he always felt uncomfortable taking Chef Mike’s down the gullet in a crowded dining hall full of people. No more will he have to endure the shame of choking on his footlong in public. He hopes this Valentine’s day will bring a more personal spark from his Chef Mike’s, and he’s excited to explore his tasty length all alone in his dorm. “I’ve already made arrangements to kick the roommate out, because this level of personal and intimate experience is exactly what I need to start out the semester right.” From young to old, from single to couples, everyone wants the spice of Chef Mike’s footlong in the mix this romantic season. Students seem to agree that those classic stale-hard baguettes bring a certain character to the romance of Valentine’s day, a meal to be shared by happy couples and gorged on by stupid lonely chuds like you, fattie.
Mobile Orders to be Hand Delivered by Chef Mike this Valentine’s Day
