This morning, Linus Infection BC ‘26, showed up to their 10:10 AM philosophy class with a single tissue shoved into the side pocket of their bag. Having sniffled a couple of times while getting their morning coffee from Liz’s Place, Infection assumed that swiping a brown napkin from a nearby dispenser on the way to Milbank would be sufficient.
However, as Infection settled into their classroom at approximately 10:08 AM, they realized that what they originally thought would be mildly inconvenient congestion was turning into a concerning nasal trickle. As the professor launched into a discussion of Plato, Infection tried to pay attention, but they kept dabbing at their nose with the edge of their napkin in a futile attempt to control the flow of liquid snot. It was just over half an hour through the class that Infection came to a startling realization: their napkin was running low on dry, booger-free space—and fast.
“It was truly harrowing,” said Infection to The Fed at 11:26 AM. “The constant drip of mucus was making me delirious. I couldn’t even leave class to blow my nose because I was in one of those chairs where all my stuff was guaranteed to fall if I stood up.” Infection sheepishly admitted that they “finished class with a soggy mess of a tissue” and “even had to wipe [their] nose on the sleeve of their sweater, just a little bit.” At the end of the interview, Infection insisted that they had learned their lesson to “never leave the house without one of those little Kleenex packets, or at least a roll of single-ply toilet paper from [their] dorm.”
