In a recent announcement this week, the Presidential Search Committee shared that they are still unable to find a single person who actually wants to be University President. “We know this may come as a surprise to you all, but we seriously cannot find anyone to replace Shipman,” said one trustee in an interview with The Fed. “We’ve pleaded with everyone from Eric Adams to the bartender at 1020, but they all turned us down. I don’t wanna call it desperation, but it’s almost to the point of opening those student feedback surveys!”
This news caused limited disruption to the student body, all of whom are busy preparing for final exams. The loudest reaction came from a single student in John Jay Hall who quietly added another tally mark to a large board reading “DAYS SINCE OUR LAST PRESIDENT” before solemnly retreating back to their studies.
