TRAGIC — A recent investigation by The Fed has revealed the emotionally devastating story of a Philadelphia-born Columbia student. This poor young man was left in a five-day lobotomized state of shock by what he cited as the lack of “real football culture” on campus throughout his first semester. In our interview, the student, who begged for anonymity in order to “not bring shame to my family jawn,” explained that he had been completely unprepared for the cultural shock of moving from the football-crazed city of Philadelphia to the decidedly less football-passionate Columbia campus.
The distressing situation began before the Lions’ first home game as he made gameday preparations that truly reflected his Philadelphian traditions, such as tailgating outside the stadium and painting his entire body in Columbia Blue. Sadly, upon entering the sparsely populated stadium while double-fisting cheesesteaks, it quickly dawned upon him that not everyone shared the same level of passion. With each football game attended, his panic over the lack of culture intensified. “I feel like I’m the only one who bothers to REALLY dress up for the games! Back home, I never had this problem. I’d show up to Eagles games wearing a coat made out of endangered bald eagle feathers, and I’d be the talk of the town. But here, when I show up wearing the coat of one of the last African lions that I hunted, skinned, and dyed blue all by myself, people just react with horror and tell me I’m an ‘abhorrent human being’ instead of being impressed!”
During his interview with The Fed, the student, who has now been shunned into anonymity, recalls the hostility he faced upon shouting, “Go Lions, dickhead!” on his way to Wien Stadium. He said, “All I did was offer a friendly greeting, and they looked at me like I just killed a jawn. It’s just part of my culture, like wooder ice.”
The final nail in the coffin came with the season’s third home game. “How are we on our third home game of the season, and no one’s thrown hands! This jawn doesn’t even hava jail cell! This shit’s wack…just wack man,” he concluded, ending with a slew of Philadelphian obscenities that The Fed is loath to publish.
