As a child, I interpreted the novel From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler as my Bible and studied the Night at the Museum movie as if they were my Ten Commandments. I longed to live as a secret fugitive within the museum walls, even if just for a night. I spent my elementary school days dreaming of the secrets I would unlock when left in a national treasure alone overnight. I knew my destiny would be fulfilled after I got into Barnard; these four years in New York were my chance to live out my legacy. However, the strict security regime at the Met anticipated my arrival, and the Museum of Natural History sent me several emails warning me not to “set foot in their prestigious institution, let alone think [my] grubby little hands and untrained sleuthing skills could ever pull off a Night at the Museum-style ruse.” I was deterred, and I gave up for a brief period of time. However, the unnecessary call from MoMA informing me “Van Gogh himself was spitting on me and my ancestors from beyond the grave for even considering a sleepover under his Starry Night,” really pushed my buttons. I needed to ignore the hate; I couldn’t give up.
I set my plan in motion, and three years of preparation are about to come to fruition. As a senior, this is my last chance to pull off the greatest museum sleepover yet. I will be spending the entirety of winter break inside Milstein. I know what you’re thinking, “You’re insane! They close the library over winter break. How will you ever pull this off?!”
Well, my friend, I have a foolproof plan, so good that I refused to sell it to the Louvre heist robbers for 1 million euros. In my Reese’s Pieces king-sized snack costume, I will be living off the water in my camel backpack and my neighboring treats while hiding INSIDE the vending machine in the Milstein basement for the first two days of break. When the maintenance staff leaves, my fun will begin. I will spend the weeks of winter break reading every single zine in the library. Not even bothering to keep the valuable zines in their temperature-controlled room. I will make my own sushi at the Milstein sushi bar with unlimited toppings. I will blast Nettspend from every computer in the computer lounge at the same time. I will use the film equipment to recreate “It’s Every Day Bro” by Team Ten in its entirety as a one-man show. And the whole thing will be uploaded to my YouTube channel collab with Mr Beast. Stay tuned, Barnard, things are about to get pretty fucking magical, Night at the Museum style. Suck on that Van Gogh!
