On behalf of the Fed, I spent Thursday night at the tree-lighting ceremony, in search of something funny that might happen (i.e. fart, etc). I found myself standing next to a shivering Roar-Ee the Lion, and over the course of the evening we got to know each other. The following are excerpts from my conversations with our beloved mascot.
“I’m thinking about lighting up some tree of my own after this, you know what I’m saying? Haha. Yep. Marijuana.”
“Do you know if Millie is coming to this?”
“I see you looking at my tail. Pretty cool, right? You can touch it if you want. But you don’t—hey, look at me. You do not have to.”
“Have you tried the, uh, apple cinnamon ZYNs? They’re alright. They’re not that appley but they’re really cinnamon-y. Cinnamony? Haha. Is that even a word?”
“I’ve been trying to work out recently. Doing pilates at Dodge. It’s fun, I guess, I just get really in my head about my body. And I leave Dodge and then right outside is that skinny-ass lion, with the ribs and the tiny waist, and it just messes with my self image a little bit. Do you think I’m beautiful?”
“Epstein stuff is crazy, huh?”
“I’m going on Maury tomorrow night. This chick from Bushwick said that her kid is mine. She was like ‘he has your eyes and your smile’ and whatever. And I just told her, that’s impossible. I don’t have the biology.”
“Holy shit bro, Penn’s mascot, the Quaker, will not stop texting me. I hate this dude. He’s not a good person. We were playing Quiplash one time and the stuff he was answering was just offensive and gross. It was so annoying. And that’s also just, like, not how I engage with Quiplash.”
“What are you doing after this? Me and a couple of my boys were gonna go drink Buzzballz and film TikToks if you wanna join. No pressure. Just let me know though because we’re trying to get a head count.”
“I was doing a line off the sink at The Heights last weekend, and as soon as the snow hit my brain I was like, ‘wow, I need to go back to church.’ What do you think that means?”
“You’re probably my best friend in the world right now. Let’s just take a second. Sit in this moment.”
“A couple weeks ago I walked into the Lerner 5th floor bathroom and I saw Claire Shipman making out with Bottleman. I swear. Claire looked me in the eyes and said ‘Nobody will believe you.’ Then Bottleman launched a Gatorade at the toilet and drained it from 30 feet.”
“Who’d you vote for? Yikes. We’ll see how that works out for you.”
“Do you like music? I’ve been trying to get into Geese but I just can’t do it. Too inaccessible.”
“Listen to me. Listen. I need 200 dollars right now or you’ll never see me again. It’s gonna be really bad unless you step up. Do you have Zelle?”
“I’m heading out, vibes are lame. Stay safe. Wrap it up. Adios, hermano.”
Roar-Ee exited through the gates and walked into an oncoming M60 bus. The Fed wishes him a speedy recovery.
