“AHHHHHHHHHHHH,” yelled one extraordinarily elated, wool-sock wearing student from Low steps when first catching a glimpse of the newest addition to Columbia’s campus. “I LOVE THIS SCHOOOOLLL,” remarks a laughing and skipping student with a backpack. An Environmental Science professor stands next to a Gender Studies professor in raptures, hand in hand, happy tears streaming from both of their faces, beginning to form a hefty pool around their bare feet.
This week, in an effort to boost campus morale as the days get shorter and colder, Columbia administrators have installed what seems to be a slackline on campus, suspended from the Broadway to the Amsterdam gate, just a few feet above the bushes of College Walk. The extraordinary jubilance around campus is nothing short of a miracle, leaving students with smiles plastered on their euphoric little faces during all hours of the day and night. Political tensions on campus have reduced to a whopping 0%, effectively ending any turmoil. “We’re just having too much fun to care anymore,” said one student, a former active member of a protest group.
In an interview with The Fed, interim President Claire Shipman explained, “Yeah, we took a really big plunge. But what can I say, we’re not afraid to take risks here at Columbia. We always respond to the needs of our students and this was right in front of our eyes.” Many are describing the slackline as an innovation in campus technology, not only encouraging outdoor recreation on campus, but also supporting the nearby orthopedic hospitals with increased business. “I mean, we only intended it to be a barrier, a simple little fence of sorts to slow traffic between the gates and prevent large crowds to rush towards any point on campus. We never thought the community would be this excited about it.”
“What can I say, we’re easy, we’re simple, we just want good old-fashioned, full-out, classic, everyday slackline fun,” described one student while foaming at the mouth.
