With Columbia’s recent announcement that community members will now be able to enter the 116th gates for the first time in nearly two years, many Morningside Heights residents are excited at the prospect of once again being welcomed on campus. However, Columbia Public Safety has made it clear that these new policies will not come at the cost of campus security. In fact, they have made it clear that QR codes for entry will be heavily enforced for all visitors, regardless of age and species.
“For too long, small children and dogs have been able to enter campus freely if accompanied by a CUID holder,” said Gerald Lewis Jr., Vice President of Public Safety, in a newly released statement to the Columbia community. “These diminutive guests can bring radical ideologies and practices onto our campus, such as ‘nap time’ and ‘fetch.’ The danger that these outside agitators pose to our student body is immeasurable. That’s why our Public Safety officers will now be requiring a valid QR code for all visitors to Columbia University, not just the ones who are capable of forming complete sentences.”
To understand how the policies were affecting local residents, The Fed spoke to a preschooler, donning the characteristic neon vest, as he held a long rope shared by the rest of his class in the campus entry line. “They ask me for code. But I dunno! I only four years old. My name is Sam. I want my mommy.” The Fed also spoke to a professor’s pomeranian who has frequented Columbia’s lawns for over six years now. When asked how the updated policy was affecting him, he responded with a profanity-laden “woof!”
The Fed apologizes to readers who may be offended by the publishing of such vulgar language.
