The Butler stacks, one of Columbia’s few study spots that students can occasionally find a seat in without fighting a life or death battle, was recently reported to be receiving visitors of a sinister and spectral nature. Where there was once silence pierced only by the sounds of occasional despair, there are now periods of intermittent and highly disruptive “moaning” interrupting students’ work—the source, one can only conclude, is supernatural.
Haunting, at least in the Butler stacks, seems to be a nocturnal activity. We at The Fed are grateful that, therefore, this phenomenon only occurs when the stacks are the most empty of possible victims.
“Frankly, it was violent and terrifying,” said one frightened student who claimed to hear the ominous noises. “The bookshelf next to me was literally shaking with the force of the moans.” Indeed, according to several accounts, these moaning spectres are far from incorporeal, as, in addition to their poltergeist-esque shelf-shaking abilities, several students have reported traces of mysterious, sticky, ectoplasm-like splatters throughout the stacks. The Fed is currently awaiting the results of laboratory examination, but it is highly likely that the ectoplasm is the remnants of an otherworldly being. Thankfully, no physical assaults from these ghouls have been reported—at least yet.
“One night, I went to investigate the noises,” one brave late-night studier told us, “and when I did, I heard some people cursing, the sounds of jeans being zipped up, and then footsteps running away. I guess they must’ve been scared by the moans, too. I just hope they didn’t think it was me making those noises.” Unfortunately, neither this student nor any other victims have been able to identify the specific ghosts responsible for the disruptions. The possible perpetrators are endless: enraged and ancient Lit Hum professors, work-study librarians forever lost in the stacks, or even Alexander Hamilton on a field trip from Trinity Church. Unfortunately, there is no available remedy for this issue; the University’s administration shows no signs of addressing the hauntings, though, in a seemingly unrelated renovation, they have recently constructed a flavored condom dispenser at Butler’s main circulation desk.
