This week, the beloved Red Bull truck is facing competition from a new vehicle: the plusOne bus. On the corner of 114th and Broadway, students can now find a full-size shiny yellow school bus filled to the brim with plusOne vibrators!
Regulars in the Butler stacks were excited to see the official plusOne vibrating bullets under their seats Oprah Style. These bullets are tiny machines that they can put in their pants while studying to privately multi-task pleasure and their academics. One thrilled Engineering student reported to The Fed, “As a member of the most celibate group on campus, I am so excited I will finally get the chance to experience what my friends in Film Studies and Philosophy do every day!”
Others were worried about the Red Bull truck disappearance for the sake of maintaining their addictions to caffeine. An anonymous Barnard Gender and Sexuality major offered a word of advice to these folks: “If you keep your plusOne on you constantly, it’s actually the most natural way to stay awake!”
Students are already petitioning to have the next trending vehicle be a limousine full of masc lesbians or a pickup truck full of future Columbia presidents to address more pertinent student needs.
