Matcha and Clairo are all the rage for the Doc Martens-wearing heterosexual men of Columbia University. Labubus on the belt, Laufey baby-tees on the chest, and bell hooks essays in the tote bag, these young men have taken the Morningside Heights gender-bending scene by storm. Local bookstores have reported a mass shortage of Brontë sister novels (even Anne’s!) and Virigina Woolf apparel.
But some take it a step further. Mass protest from Barnard students about seeing men in Hewitt Dining Hall for the past 136 years has reached a new height as Columbia overenrolled approximately 500 too many freshmen into the class of 2029.
“I can barely concentrate on my froyo because Chad from the rowing time won’t stop loading his plate with abnormal amounts of chicken,” one particularly butch young lady declared. But steel toed boots aren’t scaring these jocks! BO and mild republicanism at Hewitt have become something of an institution for the minority of straight men at this school.
But a new generation of chivalry is emerging among the performative community. You won’t be seeing too many MJ Lenderman crop tops prowling around Hewitt this year! Sebastian Monaré, a 6’4 vaguely Nordic-looking American Studies student and part-time fashion model, told The Fed that he and his friends are “so over” the oppression that Barnard students endure in their dining hall. “Women need their space. We understand that. We would never want to make them feel unsafe by our presence. I learned this by reading—and loving—Elena Ferrante’s The Lying Life of Adults.”
Barnard students are confused, but grateful nonetheless. “We don’t care about Ferrante quotes, we want to be able to eat our chicken in peace. Thanks, I guess?”
Diana is, reportedly, still free game for these men. “Protein is Protein y’know?”
