Columbia students and faculty were stunned upon returning from summer vacation by the sight of College Walk’s new and… freshly manicured appearance. Some have dubbed 2025 as “the summer of bush,” with a growing number of young people embracing an unshaved nether region, but apparently the trend has failed to trickle down to Columbia’s landscaping team.
You may think these are unrelated phenomena, but our investigative journalists have uncovered a shocking connection. The “full bush in a bikini” trend began in response to the rising tides of fascism and social conservatism, embracing an unshaven pubic region as an expression of feminism and bodily liberation. Columbia, on the other hand, has decided that the previously overgrown College Walk was a bit too suggestive. “The way that the foliage extended out from around Hamilton and Kent was a bit too reminiscent of all this bush and bikini nonsense,” said one source from the landscaping staff, who chose to remain anonymous. “We had no choice but to trim it back.” The result is College Walk as it currently stands: neatly clipped, with trees and foliage in orderly rows. The reception among students has been overwhelmingly negative, with many remarking upon the tackiness of the new landscaping. “It makes sense,” one student remarked. “We’ve known Columbia’s administration was ugly and rotten, but it’s still sad to see fascist ideology reflected in our campus’ upkeep.” It remains to be seen whether the Tree Lighting during the winter holidays will proceed as is customary this semester.
