Judah Smith, devout Christian student from Tennessee, heard about the coming of today’s Rapture from a man with a long beard and impeccable physique while scrolling on TikTok last week.
Judah, a sophomore at Columbia and a lifelong evangelist, reportedly “can’t wait.”
“I’m really excited. Feeling really good about it, too. Thank God I didn’t let my girlfriend give me a handjob last week.” Judah claims that he doesn’t foresee his alleged kicking of a homeless man in the street or his record of incessant harassment of trans classmates to be a problem. “I go to church every Sunday,” he beamed.
He is not, however, sure if he should do the reading for his class at 1:10. “I’m not sure if the Rapture will be done by then.” Attendance for the class is mandatory, but Judah figures that if he’ll be in heaven, his participation grade won’t really affect him.
Due to the subject matter of the reading this week and his Christian heart, Judah is considering doing it anyway. “I mean it’s St. Augustine so I guess it can’t really hurt.”
