On the morning of July 31, Barnard President Laura Rosenbury announced the layoffs of 77 non-instructional positions at the College, citing the need for “staff restructuring.” In a newly released statement, Rosenbury describes that these changes were proposed by her top-secret task force, Department of Barnard Efficiency (DOBE), not to be confused with the federal government’s disgraced DOGE.
“As you might have noticed, the federal government has been making quite a few decisions for us recently!” Rosenbury joked to a group of reporters, including a representative of The Fed, while brandishing a chainsaw at an impromptu press conference in front of Barnard Hall. Nobody laughed, not even those brown-nosing Spec writers. “The removal of funding from Columbia University has negatively impacted many students at Barnard,” Rosenbury continued. “‘So’, we thought, ‘Why not make things worse and fire all the staff that make this school worthwhile?’”
When our reporter asked Rosenbury why she didn’t eliminate her position, since she doesn’t seem to be doing much good anyway, she abruptly ended the press conference. This is a developing story, and The Fed continues to investigate why these staff members were fired and when Rosenbury and her cronies will finally get the chopping block.
