Insider sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, have confirmed that Columbia University has agreed with the federal government to do whatever it takes to make this stop. While top universities were stunned this morning when Columbia University voluntarily agreed to enter a consent decree, which would dramatically increase federal oversight of an already beleaguered university, The Federalist can confirm this is only the beginning of a series of steps that Columbia will take in order to remove itself from The New York Times headlines.
The Federalist reviewed a document with a list of potential actions that Columbia may take and can confirm that “say yes to whatever is in the letter” was highlighted, while “keep student’s information private” had been crossed out and had a hand-drawn frowny face next to it. Senior administrators at Columbia University familiar with this document confirmed that, when it comes to next steps, nothing is off the table; from removing Acting President Claire Shipman, axing the Core Curriculum to adding Trump Steaks to every dining hall, they are open to anything. These administrators further confirmed that Columbia had already begun purchasing a bouquet from Westside Market and writing a personalized apology letter to Linda McMahon in the hopes that maybe it would work.
“We know that many will see this as capitulating, but whatever these future changes are, they were probably long discussed or already in motion,” reported Provost Angela V. Olinto when asked about potential alterations in the university’s policy. “The university hopes to center our discussion around how much we want to stop being the center of discussion.”
