The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and senior theses have been submitted. Most seniors would take this tranquil moment before finals to enjoy their final weeks at Columbia. However, The Federalist discovered a growing murmur surrounding one particular English major with an unconventional approach to ending their senior thesis.
“I was stuck,” the student explained. “The deadline was in two hours, and I realized my argument actually made no sense, so I decided to return to basics.” This unique approach opted for a structural collapse of the paper as a whole in an attempt to overshadow a lack of cohesive argument. “My teachers loved this ending when I used it 15 years ago, so I’m hoping my evaluators will also appreciate the ingenuity.”
The student showed The Federalist one of his past drafts, words practically illegible beneath a slew of red marks. “I initially chose ‘and it was all a dream,’ but my advisor didn’t think it was the best choice,” the student continued, pointing to his thesis’s concluding sentence, scribbled out with a note reading “don’t do this.” “So I changed it to ‘and then I woke up.’ I’m really excited to see the notes I get back. I think I’m on to something!”
When gauging campus attitudes on the student’s ending sentence, Fed reporters frequently overheard phrases like “wait, he was serious?” and “is he allowed to graduate?” At this time, the final acceptance status of the English major’s thesis is still unknown.
