In response to leaked plans of a new encampment, Columbia Public Safety has heightened its security measures to prevent another occupation of South Lawn. In a memo to Public Safety officers obtained by The Fed, officers are being instructed not just to confiscate tents, but a wide variety of “tent-like” items. An excerpt of the gratuitous list of items and the rationale for each are rendered below:
- Umbrellas
It’s 70º outside. Who needs an umbrella? Only someone who seeks to protect themselves from the elements. And who wants to protect themselves from the elements? Students who intend to be outside for prolonged periods of time. Camping. On the lawn. According to the “probable cause standard,” anyone found holding an umbrella is a confirmed protestor and should be held accountable to the full extent of University policy and the law.
- Chef Mike’s To-Go Bags
These long white paper bags may seem innocent, but a true criminal mastermind would be able to hide protestor paraphernalia within them. As we speak, students are able to place a full sub sandwich in these bags, alongside a hand fruit and a bag of chips. Some students even have the gall to take two bags of chips, which, in my opinion, is a suspension-worthy offense. However, Public Safety has been instructed not to apprehend students for these violations because they could constitute an “overreach of authority” and an “unnecessary escalation of punishment.” But finally, now is the time to confiscate these pesky bags and the multitude of dangers that lie within them.
- Sweatshirts
Sweatshirts are useful for cold temperatures… such as those that someone camping overnight would experience. Don’t be fooled by students who justify their fashion choices by saying that their “classrooms are chilly” and that they want “something to wear when the sun goes down.” These are all diversions from their true intent: being warm and cozy enough to launch another encampment under our very noses.
