Do you like being an annoying little jerk à la Home Alone (1990)? Were you the kid that reminded the teacher about homework at the end of class? Well if you’re also a Barnard student, great news: yesterday, Dean Grinage announced the debut of an Ethics Reporting Hotline. In an email, Grinage described the intent of the hotline as “for reporting serious issues, such as potential violations of College policies, ethical concerns, or other misconduct.” Reports have already started rolling in as students have taken advantage of this new resource to talk shit about their bitchy lab partners and nasty roommates.
Unfortunately, in a not-so-shocking turn of events, the hotline seems to be backfiring on Barnard’s administration. The Fed analyzed leaked call logs and found that the greatest volume of calls haven’t been about politically-incorrect professors or loudmouth students, but instead the kingpin of the entire Barnard enterprise: President Laura Rosenbury. Anonymous callers have complained of her “inappropriate punishment of student protestors,” “lack of ethical behavior in calling the NYPD,” and “violation of my eyeballs for wearing the same fuckass shade of blue all the damn time.”
While senior administration is not supposed to have access to call logs, recent decreases in the number of “Rosenbury blue” blazers on campus indicate that the beans have been spilled to Barnard’s head honcho about her unpopularity. Some students allegedly spotted Rosenbury pacing the hallways of Milbank, muttering to herself that, “snitches get stitches.” The hotline may have just been created, but at the moment, it is unclear what its fate will be.
