Stunned sources at the latest Columbia Federalist meeting reported that the most recent pitch for the upcoming issue was clearly a thinly disguised attempt to air out the writer’s recent trauma. Inside sources confirmed that a hush quickly fell over the group at the pitch, which began as a humorous anecdote about a hypothetical deadbeat boyfriend but quickly devolved into an extended anecdote about how being cheated on has ruined the writer’s ability to connect with other romantic partners. Outside of a few chuckles, which were quickly silenced after the writer continued to detail how their gloating parents had never really supported the relationship, the meeting came to a standstill for over 40 seconds until a board member awkwardly asked “…soooo, anyone else?”
Insider sources further confirmed that this was not a one-off. Several high-level Fed officials, who requested anonymity as they had not been authorized to speak about meetings (which occur at 8:30pm every Sunday in Lerner 569) noted that trauma dumping during article pitching has spiked in recent years. “Yeah, we just kinda wait for the story to end and then try to move on,” explained one official. “Hey, it’s the price of being funny.”
