New Study Shows that Exposure to Just Ten Minutes of the CUWBB Team Significantly Increases Homosexual Tendencies in Women

As the Columbia Women’s Basketball team advances for the first time in program history to the Women’s NCAA Tournament, The Columbia Federalist has commenced an observational study of the student population. Our research team has tracked the changing attitudes and behaviors of Columbia and Barnard students as the CUWBB team played the regular season and Ivy Madness, and the findings are enlightening. Hide your girlfriends, mothers, and Butler crushes, because science is showing that just a few minutes of exposure to women’s basketball can increase the likelihood of a woman experiencing same-sex attraction.

At the most recent game against Princeton, the Fed interviewed some of the team’s newer female fans. They all expressed great enthusiasm for the game, something that a lot of them hadn’t felt in a long time — even in their personal relationships.

“Being here is just exhilarating. I’m literally starting to save up for a season pass for after I graduate,” an anonymous Barnard student told us. “Nothing had ever made me feel like this before.” She turned toward the court, eyes unfocused, before whispering, “No one has ever made me feel like this before.”

A fellow Columbia student shared her excitement about the upcoming game against Vanderbilt, saying, “I’ve never been so passionate about anything before. Nothing compares, not even sex with my boyf— um, hanging out with my friends!” She laughed nervously before adding, “I mean, I see the team and my heart starts beating really fast and my skin gets all tingly. I think I’m really starting to see the appeal of girls in shorts — I mean, sports.”