Help!  I Tried to Plan my College Spring Break and a Man Lives in my Computer Now

College spring break: a quintessential experience one must endure in their late teenage years. As I was up late researching all-inclusive resorts in tropical locations for under 50 dollars, I came to a perfect ad. It seemed too good to be true. It read: “Thirty-dollar room with two queen beds in Miami – two days left!” I immediately clicked the link and shared it with the group chat.

Two minutes later, a man’s voice greeted me from my computer screen. He said his name was Tommy, but that I can call him “Big T.” He has lived within my iCloud walls ever since, and we have learned to coexist in a harmonious split-screen dynamic where he researches local dealers – he won’t say what kind – as I write my Lit Hum papers. All of my friends who clicked the link immediately received their own companion, which was terrifying to us all. But the men are all best friends just seeking some company through college women’s computers! Sometimes we leave our computers open in a Butler study room when we go for a JJ’s run and let them gossip about their fantasy sports teams – it’s quite wholesome. 

My advice to you: don’t click on sketchy ads or seek a spring break too good to be true, unless you are extremely lonely and lack a middle-aged male companion.