“Dude, My Social Media is Gonna Make Me Unelectable” says PolSci Student Who Will Spend 40 Years of Her Life as an Unelected Official Anyways

Following a rambunctious Halloween party, Sarah Fitzgerald (CC ‘25) was heard drunkenly joking to a friend how her “Instagram stories will keep [her] out of office forever!”

Sarah, who has already gained the friendship of a senator’s daughter and the confidence of the future governor of New Jersey, bemoaned how her time at Columbia has ensured that she will never have a shot at winning the seat of a powerful public office. 

“I can’t complain that much,” said Fitzgerald, while clearing out her former summer hillternship email, “plenty of people here are probably thinking the same thing. I mean, who hasn’t thrown around a few dozen slurs after getting a little tipsy? I mean, sure, I might end up in a gubernatorial cabinet or something, but what’s even the point of reshaping the political landscape for generations if you don’t have the social validation from popularity?”