Millie the Bear Apologizes For Role in “Cocaine Bear”

Following the success of Universal Pictures’ Cocaine Bear, Millie the Bear has released an official apology regarding the film and her role as its star.

Early in 2020, Millie was contracted by Universal to play the titular role in the movie. Given complications from the pandemic, Millie accepted and signed the contract without properly consulting Barnard first.

“I understand that I acted with too much haste and that my portrayal in the film is not the image I wish to be sending regarding our wonderful institution. For that, Barnard has my most sincere apologies,” Millie the Bear told the Spectador, nearly on the verge of tears. She added, “It’s directed by a woman! I thought I was supposed to support women!”

While the film garnered no particular notice from students at first other than being a killer comedy, outrage began to trickle and then pour in as it became clear that the school’s mascot, easily identifiable due to the custom-made bedazzled Barnard thong she sported in the film, was the one tearing apart children and adults on the silver screen.

Barnard sophomore Joy Rider remarked, “Millie’s public appearance in such a savage and unprofessional manner makes me feel sick. We have not had issues like this since Roar-ee decided to be the face of MGM in the 1920s.”

The sentiment is widespread, and even members of the Morningside and NYC community have been raising drug-abuse allegations towards Mille. Barnard and Millie have rejected any rumors about non-fictionalized drug use, including those about drunk cigarettes as a little treat.

The fallout of this film and its backlash is yet to be seen, especially as the news spreads outside of the city and onto the Internet. Outgoing Barnard President Sian Beilock tweeted her support for Millie, saying: “While we at Barnard care about furthering women’s rights, we need to be supportive about women’s wrongs. And even more supportive about ursine wrongs.”