The Fed’s Official Valentine’s Day Gift Guide 

Love is in the air! The Fed wants to help you score a public makeout sesh worthy of making every unlucky student in a .2 mile radius retch, so we’ve created a comprehensive gift guide that spans not one, not two, but all four undergraduate colleges! 

DISCLAIMERS: The Fed is not responsible for any rejections, number-blockings, or restraining orders filed as a result of the suggestions on this list. The Fed does not endorse the current trend of leaving love notes for your crush to find in Butler. Pricing and gift accessibility vary.

Columbia College 

Dearest Barnumbia, 

  • Sound-proofing wallpaper (Those John Jay walls are thinner than printer paper. Blue tape is not included).
  • A signed copy of Jeffrey Pfeffer’s 7 Rules of Power (Take back the life that was drained out of you from the core last semester!).
  • Tickets to a Columbia men’s basketball game (Who knows, maybe you’ll even get free tuition!).


  • A TI-NSPIRE calculator (An expensive gift for your bae-o-chemical engineering major. They’ll pay you back when they get that Regneron job, don’t worry).
  • Old Spice deodorant (Or any kind of deodorant for that matter…).
  • A Grow-A-Girlfriend kit (Drop her in water and watch her grow up to 6x her size!).


  • Brandy Melville pointelle tops with the tags cut out (It’s thrifted, no label, probably vintage, sorry!).
  • A three-month prepaid subscription to BetterHelp.
  • A “parking pass” to reserve your favorite spot to smoke marlboro lights outside the gate of your choice

General Studies 

  • A foot massage (For the dancer in your life.)
  • A box of tasty, decadent chocolates (GS kids get made fun of enough already. Have a dark chocolate caramel-almond chew on us!)