In Response to CPS Unavailability, Lucy from Charlie Brown Opens Psychiatric Help Stand in Quad

Graphic by Molly Durawa

Great news for the hordes of students who have been outsourced to a third party therapist by Columbia Psychological Services: a cartoon character is here to offer better resources than your $80k/year school with a $14 billion endowment! Instead of deciding between one short conversation per month with CPS or being passed off to someone you’ve never met with an office 25 minutes away (by subway!), you can now simply stop by on your way to class and talk to beloved Peanuts character Lucy.

Her forcefully direct ways of dealing with student issues have proven divisive. Lucy admits that her methods might not be for everyone. But for some, it works wonders. 

“She raised her voice at me and that made me sad, which made me realize I have daddy issues,” said Sally, one of Lucy’s patients, “which is probably why I really liked Brian Greene’s FroSci lectures.”

Another student was particularly sad after Columbia’s BDSM club failed to make an appearance at the annual club fair, so they headed on over to see Lucy. “She yelled at me for five minutes straight and it felt like basically the same thing,” they told the Fed. “It was like the BDSM club never left!”

Many diagnoses have already been made. The most common one has been hypengyophobia, the fear of responsibility, which reportedly occurs the most when Lucy is operating outside of Butler Library after midnight.