Barnard and Columbia students alike were disappointed to hear that the only gym available for use in the fall semester is the sweaty, subterranean hidey-hole of Dodge, due to renovations to the fitness center in Barnard Hall. However, a new partnership between Barnard and The Coca Cola Company promises to offer students a bold new vision of the fitness center they once knew and loved: all machines are now Coca-Cola Freestyles.
Coca-Cola Freestyle is a touch-screen soda fountain that, much like the class of 2026, was created in 2004. The machine, famously located behind the Ferris pasta fiends, features 165 flavors and 0 workout options, unless you count benching this 300 pound carbonated behemoth off of your newly-crushed femurs.
“I know what you’re thinking,” tweeted Barnard president Sian Beilock. “There’s no treadmill, no step climber, no weights. But there is real magic, and you can taste the feeling and open happiness when you’re on the Coke side of life! Also it’s still better than Dodge so put that in your peach sprite and drink it, losers.”
The notoriously yoked, exclusively-vanilla-Dr. Pepper-drinking population of Barnard has welcomed this news with open and incredibly buff arms. “Truly,” shares generic sophomore Rosemary Etsyshop, “carrying the weight of being the coolest, very smart, most interesting, hottest students on campus, I don’t think we’ll need those old workout machines anyways. Also, no fucking way I’m going to Dodge. Fuck Dodge.”
The Federalist reached out to Dodge Fitness Center for comment, but deleted their response because Dodge is gross ew.