This Homecoming Season: How to Convince Your Parents From Alabama That, Yes, This Is a Real Football Game

Graphic by Molly Durawa

It’s that time of year again. The leaves are falling, the air is crisp, and the Fed is here to bring you your much needed Homecoming survival tips. Football season is upon us, and for those of you whose parents may soon be visiting from down South, the dread is most likely creeping in. Homecoming is mere days away, and you’re once again faced with the same predicament. Well, don’t worry. Here’s a list of quick tips to help SEC parents stomach a Columbia football game.

Remind them that these players are the future leaders of our nation

Sure, Columbia’s football team may not be “good” or even “resemble a coherent sports team.” But, unlike at other schools, these football players aren’t just here for their athletic ability. They’re also flunking out of economics, physics, calculus, and philosophy classes, all while ensuring they get that $200k/year finance job right out of college.

Tell them that football rules are different for the Ivy League, and, yes, he is supposed to be doing that right now

You actually get double the points if you score in your own end zone. Who knew?!

Sneak Beta’s jungle juice into their water bottles

Oh, no! Your mom thinks Al Bagnoli is Nick Saban, and she’s storming the field!

Take this time to introduce them to your same-sex partner

Now the football game is the least of their worries! Who knows? If you’re lucky, they might even disown you before kickoff.

Distract them with news of your midterm results

Good news, guys. This time next year, you’ll be going with them to a lot more Bama games!