Canada Goose Secret Society Plotting to Eradicate North Face Proletariat

Artwork by Alex Malamud

BUTLER LIBRARY — Dim lights flicker through the tunnels beneath Butler Library at 3:00 am. Whispers fill the corridors—they seem to be coming from behind the walls, but one cannot tell exactly whence. Little do the proletarians above, sleeping ignorantly in their beds, know that the Society of the Patch is holding their weekly meeting in the forbidden bowels of Butler. It is here that they strategize how to raise their brand above all others: they must always walk proudly with their shoulders high and fur ruffling in the New York winds. The red and white patch, adorned on their left side, is indicative of their bourgeois status.

All autumn, tensions have been rising between Them and the commoners. The proletariat have taken to Columbia Buy Sell Memes in a failed attempt to make a mockery of Them—in vain, only revealing their own inferiority. If one puts an ear to the wall in the basement of Butler—in just the right spot—they may hear, “Double, double toil and trouble, / fire burn, make North Face rubble.”

Their vile tendrils pluck the coats of the plebeians from their chairs, only to be sacrificially burned at the side of the statue of Pan. The Society of the Patch will soon eradicate all other coat brands. Ye, repent for your sin of purchasing North Face and other off-brands. The Time of the Goose is nigh.