WASHINGTON – Within the first few days of his inauguration, President Biden signed an executive order to rejoin the Paris Climate Accords, saying, “Signing the order is only the first step of many on the road to implementing progress.” Of course, the steps he refers to are mighty ones, including achieving carbon neutrality goals and mitigating climate change, but first and foremost, completely owning the traditional UN hazing ritual.
The details of hazing are naturally classified, as the consequences of this sort of behavior in government have always been frowned upon. However, UN Secretary-General, António Guterres, has gone on the record repeatedly, assuring that the tradition is “all in good fun” and “hardly holds a stake in foreign policy…well, maybe just a little.” Thanks to an anonymous tip to the Fed, it has become known that Biden will not only have to skinny dip in the National Mall but also finish a handle blindfolded in the trunk of Cadillac One. It’s certainly a race against time for the new President, who will have to compete with the impending doom of increasing greenhouse gas emissions, rising sea levels, and global public health at risk.
Trump’s inability to take on the Hazing in 2017, after Obama joined the Accords in 2016, previously cost the US membership. Sources have relayed that he proved himself to be “a bit of a lightweight” and “an overall wuss” (Trump has referred to this as “fake news” and has responded, “I would never join that loser club. But if I wanted to, I’d be incredible, and I would win. Believe me.”).
In a recent press conference, Biden stated that “not only am I up for the challenge, but I am also honored to rush the Paris Climate Accords for the sake of the American People.” The Editors at the Fed wish the President luck and hope he doesn’t guarantee the incipient apocalypse by committing a “Party Foul.”