Thanksgiving episode of Keeping Up with the Ivies

Artwork by Zach Ginsberg

COLUMBIA MANSION—The drama continues in the latest episode of Keeping Up with the Ivies (and Associates) for Thanksgiving Dinner. This episode includes some exciting guest appearances, and, of course, tea.

Columbia hosted Thanksgiving Dinner this year, making sure to have every guest tested for COVID multiple times before the party. He was interrupted by his sister, Barnard, pounding on the front door. “Let me in! I know you changed the locks without telling me. I live here too!”

Princeton arrived in a crisp dress shirt with a sweater hung over his shoulders. “Hey, Barnard, wanna come check out my Aston Martin?” Ignoring Barnard’s eye roll, Princeton continued, “Did I tell you about the awesome job I got my kid—er, I mean, my kid got, all on his own merits?”

UChicago, Harvard’s former stepson from an ex-wife, showed up sporting a bearskin coat and proceeded to boast about his latest renovation. (“We finally ditched that irrelevant football stadium and built this awesome library—you have to check it out some time!”)

Dartmouth barged in still in his muddy rain boots and immediately launched into disgusting party stories as Princeton retched dramatically.

Yale arrived with his child, Brown (they/them), who immediately went off in search of a lighter. They periodically scoffed as their father animatedly described the various species of fish he’s caught and pretended to be embarrassed as he boasted about how Brown has never gotten below a C at school.

Penn came next. He was barely through the door when he started slapping people on the back and spewing unwanted nicknames. “Puss, Shaggy, Ding Dong, Dang Dong! Wait hold on guys. I gotta take this call.”

Harvard arrived fashionably late (of course) with his cat, MIT, in its custom pet carrier, and his fifth trophy wife, USC, hanging onto his arm.

“Yes, Bill, our endowment’s really suffering in this pandemic…think it might’ve dropped to 40 billion… we could really use the help. Say hi to the kids and Melinda for me! Hello? Hello?…Stingy nerd.”

Bored by the conversation about who’s the most well endowed, Columbia checked Twitter, and with a guffaw, read aloud a tweet from Cornell: “So sorry I couldn’t make it with the big guys (and girls #feminism). Have fun without me! #FOMO @RBGtruehomeColumbia you know what you did last year to deserve this #ImtheonlyNYIvy #antibullying.”

Stanford stumbled in midway through the soup course, half naked and tanned. Setting down his surfboard, he winked at USC (who was staring openly at his abs). “Sorry,” Stanford said, “it’s super far. One year we should do this on the West Coast.”

An awkward pause was followed by a series of “But California is so dry though,” “California has earthquakes. I’ve got kids. I can’t risk it,” and “I’ve a phobia of flying, it’s a medical condition.”

Shortly after, the annual Who-Has-The-Coolest-Mascot and Who-Has-The-Most-Presidential-Alumni debates (during which Penn remained silent) sparked their usual drunken fistfights to the drumbeat of Dartmouth chanting “Keggy the Keggy the Keggy the Keg!” This year, the scuffle was between Harvard and Yale after the latter insisted that the former “created the Unabomber.”  Throughout the entire ordeal, Columbia kept on dropping “Obama!” bombs between loud fake coughs.

The main drama came when Stanford suggested the abolition of the Ivy League citing, “It’s an outdated old boys’ club,” causing the Ivy family to pounce. Shoes were thrown, glasses were shattered, dreams were crushed, the endowment will have to pay for the damage, and the Boards of Trustees are going to be furious.

A pungent odor suddenly filled the room, dispersing the not-so-merry gathering. It turns out MIT had defecated in Harvard’s loafers.