After hearing upperclassmen gush about the traditional John Jay Thanksgiving meal, Jess Torrance CC’24 decided to recreate the tradition at home for her closest friends. “I knew that this would be a great opportunity to celebrate all of the friendships I’ve made this year,” she told The Fed. “Unfortunately, my only Columbia freshman friend lives in the U. K. and declined my invitation, so I’ve arranged for seven of my favorite stuffed animals to join me.”
According to Torrance, the dinner party was very exclusive. (Though her guest list includes just seven stuffed animals, she has actually become close with all 28 of her plush toys.) “I worry that some of them may feel left out but honestly, after hours of one-on-one conversations with each of my friends, it feels like we’re really in a good place right now. And it was really important that I feel part of at least one Columbia tradition.”
When asked about how her family deals with attachment to these inanimate objects, Torrance responded, “They get worried sometimes when they walk past my room and hear me cackling, but overall they were very understanding when I introduced them to all 28 of my friends.”
In an exclusive interview with Federalist reporters, however, Torrance’s parents were less supportive. “We’re really worried about her. She won’t let anyone into her room who isn’t made of cloth, buttons, and fuzz. It seemed like pathological sourdough baking kept her mental state relatively stable . . . until June. Then she found the stuffed animals, and after that everything changed,” said her mother. “We’ve tried to tell her she needs to talk to real people, but we really don’t know how to help her do that.”
“I talk to these friends every day; they’ve really helped me cope with the isolation. I can’t wait to introduce them to my friends on campus next spring,” she said with great optimism. “I don’t know how I’m going to cook eight different meals! The only thing I know how to bake is sourdough, but I don’t want any of my friends to go hungry.”
Mr. Snuffles, a stuffed teddy bear and one of the guests, was unavailable for comment.