TORONTO, ONTARIO —The moment Biden was announced President of the United States, the Buckleys had their bags packed. They sold their house, said their goodbyes, and cashed in their Bass Pro Shop membership card. In a truck plastered with wordy stickers and gun decals, Doug, Martha, and 16-year-old Mikaela Buckley were ready to head up to the Great White North.
“Ain’t gonna catch us in America when they start taking from anyone with money,” Mrs. Buckley told us as she pumped gas into her 2005 Ford Ranger. “No, sir, I’m not living in a country led by Sleepy Joe and his socialist crooks. We’ll wait for the recount.”
But their maple syrup-sweet dreams began to crumble as soon as they crossed the border. Mr. Buckley said he first felt the sick feeling in his stomach when the border agent made them give their contact tracing information and agree to a two-week quarantine.
“They wanted to know our address for the next two weeks and who would buy our groceries,” Mr. Buckleys said indignantly, sweating through his ONALD TRUMP: The D is Missing Because it’s in Every Hater’s Mouth! shirt. “They might as well insert a tracking chip in my brain.”
They reluctantly continued on in their journey, since the quarantine was just a suggestion anyways. But that’s truly when everything fell apart — Mr. Buckley saw an elderly woman in crutches putting a bag of clothes into a community donation bin.
“Perfectly fine sweaters, unused baby clothes, even a few dresses . . . she was putting all of it in the bin!” Mikaela recounted, tears shining behind her photochromic glasses. “She said she was ‘trying to clear closet space’. Like some gosh darn COMMIE!”
According to the elderly woman, that’s when Mr. Buckley went ballistic. He dove into the donation bin and retrieved every single item, throwing it back at her to take home. In his fit, he accidentally knocked the woman off her crutches and turned his rage on the pieces of mobility support. Mr. Buckley demanded to know how much the crutches cost, to which the elderly woman responded that she didn’t know because it was all covered by government insurance.
At that, Mr. Buckleys threw the crutches back at the woman and wailed. Upon further research, he learned that not only does Canada have free healthcare, but gay marriage had been legalized since 2005, abortion was built into the constitution, tuition costs an average $5K per student . . . and many other atrocities that went against his principles. He was shocked and disgusted that the border agent hadn’t bothered to tell him any of this when they entered this forsaken country.
The Buckleys are currently looking for potential relocation ideas where guns are legal, there are no COVID-19 restrictions, and college costs an exorbitant amount of money. Basically, any country that isn’t a socialist nightmare.