Trump Delivers Concession Speech at Ritz Crackers Factory

Ritz Cracker Factory, Indiana—The crowd had been waiting for hours in the Ritz parking lot in anticipation of President Trump’s concession speech this morning. The temperature in Bloomington was in the low 20s, and many of the attendees appeared cold despite their copious MAGA garb. Surrounded by the exposed and chattering teeth of the supporters, our Fed reporter was left feeling unsafe and mildly aroused by the many maskless mouths around him.

Many were wondering if Baron, the Tik Tok legend, would attend his father’s concession. These musings were quickly dispensed, however, as the Lolita Express (the late Jeffery Epstein’s now infamous airliner allegedly the locale of a slew of sex crimes) touched down for a stormy arrival on a local landing strip. This echoes presidential tradition, as nearly 20 years ago former president Bill Clinton also arrived at his inauguration speech on the Lolita Express. Method of transportation is not the only attribute that these men share; both Clinton and Trump were both impeached while serving their terms.

The whole Trump clan disembarked, with one exception—sources close to the White House state that Baron had been left behind. Trump made a beeline to the podium, taking special care to avoid his supporters at every turn. 

“Who wants Covid?” Trump blurted to the packed lot as he tossed his mask into the crowd with a cheeky grin. Joining Trump on stage via video-link from the U.S. Department of Corrections were Michael Flynn, Steve Bannon, Lev Parnas, Roger Stone, Michael Cohen, Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, and George Papadopoulos. 

When his screen was approached by Fed correspondent Probie Williams CC’23, Papadapoulos could be heard shouting through the television set “Fuck Mueller!”

“Thank you Vladimir for supporting this campaign from the very beginning and Bibi I would love to say the same thing, but -Euh no, that betrayal hurt me in a YUGE way.”

“I am really proud of you boys, and thank you for standing by as we figure out this pollster FRAUD. Just the other day, I saw sleepy Joe and Kamala handing out some white envelopes from their campaign van! Were they mail ins? I don’t know. But they looked like them. And experts will tell you they were. I’ve got people at the polls wondering where these magic ballots are coming from. Very sad. Very sad. We’re going to get to the bottom of this.”

For weeks President Trump has castigated the mail in voting system for its accused fraud, wreaking havoc on the democratic norms in the country. Trump alleges many COVID deaths were in counties where he would have received more votes and proclaimed to his supporters “We could have won with those 232,000 votes. Dead votes SHOULD in fact, have been counted”

Immediately following this statement the President appeared to have trouble with his microphone and referenced the popular new Borat film with the quippy side:  “I am always adjusting my pants microphone, Giuliani did nothing wrong.”

Trump ended his speech abruptly after reporters asked him whether or not he would concede the election, leaving his supporters without answers, and the country in distress. After four months, Biden and Trump are still sharing a queen bed in the east wing, leaving Melania and Jill in the dog house indefinitely.

This story is developing. Check back for updates.