Barnard Online Bookstore Opens, Barnard Parent Still Buys Columbia Merch

Artwork by Chloe Paolucci

For most of the summer, if a Barnard student wanted to represent their school, they’d need to search the deepest recesses of the dark web or make their own Redbubble design. But with the recent launch of the Barnard bookstore’s new website, students are buzzing about all the new merchandise available.

“I was so excited when the website finally opened,” the very excited Stacy Martinson BC’24 shared with a Federalist reporter. “I’ve been waiting all summer to buy one of the four tee shirts that they offer!”

“Oh, um, yeah I was also excited . . .” shared the seemingly less excited Mr. Martinson, Stacy’s father. “And I definitely looked at the stuff. I perused.”

However, after in-depth and intense research, The Federalist’s investigative team determined that Mr. Martinson’s browsing did not end with a purchase.

Internet history records from Mr. Martinson’s laptop show a two-minute exploration of the Barnard bookstore followed by a new incognito search of “Columbia Bookstore.” The Federalist’s NSA liaison confirmed that Mr. Martinson covered his camera with a sticky note. He then filled his cart with approximately $150 worth—one tee shirt and a key chain—of Columbia College spirit wear. It is important to note that Mr. Martinson did not attend CC, nor did anyone else in the extended Martinson family.

When confronted with this breakthrough, a very sweaty Mr. Martinson said it was because “there are no ‘Barnard Dad’ shirts,” but the customized “Columbia College Dad” sticker on his 2005 Honda Odyssey tells another story.