All Students Caught Failing to Abide by Quarantine Protocols Will Be Sent to Quarantine at Cornell

As a way to combat potential outbreaks on Columbia’s campus, President Lee Bollinger has announced in a leaked email that any Columbia student who breaks quarantine and tests positive must be sent to Cornell, to quarantine for 21 days. 

“We’re aware that the CDC recommends 14 days, but we figured an extra week would really scare them into being safe,” wrote President Bollinger on page 17 of his email. 

Students will arrive at Cornell with 63 meals, all purchased from NYU dining. Students will have vegan, vegetarian, kosher, and halal options as usual, but with the NYU flare that Columbia Dining doesn’t possess. 

Besides the punishment aspect, Cornell was chosen due to its large size and location. Columbia scientists estimate that Ithaca is barren and desolate enough to house a few dozen Columbia students without making a noticeable dent in their housing system. 

President Bollinger strongly believes that by making problematic students Cornell’s problem, he can minimize housing costs on campus, positivity rates at Columbia, and days spent without an email.

“Image and reputation are some of the foundational elements of Columbia’s Core Curriculum, and it’s important that we always uphold these standards in everything that we do,” said President Bollinger. “How else will we maintain our status if we don’t divert attention away from any potential problems?”


The president’s email is expected to be sent out in the coming days.