Incoming American Studies Major Confused Why Hamilton Statue Doesn’t Look Like Puerto Rican Broadway Star Lin Manuel Miranda

When incoming freshman Stella Kaiser, CC ‘24, first stepped on campus, she made a beeline for the Alexander Hamilton statue. For the past five years, Kaiser has been obsessing over Hamilton (the smash hit musical with 11 Tony Awards), so she had been looking forward to taking a photo with its star. However, when she finally made it to the statue, she was shocked to see that Hamilton bore no resemblance to Lin Manuel Miranda at all.

Ever since Kaiser’s Hamilton obsession began, The Original Broadway Cast of Hamilton has been her top-streamed artist and she has watched the show on Disney+ an estimated 43 times. She has even insisted on her friends calling her “Eliza,” even though that is in no way relevant to her given name.

“Everything changed for me when they uploaded the Hamilton soundtrack to Spotify,” she said. “That was when I got really into the play and became a U.S. history expert.” (Curiously, Kaiser received a low score of 2 on her AP U.S. History exam due to the fact that, in response to an essay prompt on Roe v. Wade, she merely cited lyrics from “Cabinet Battle #1.”)

When asked by Federalist reporters if Alexander Hamilton’s connection to Columbia University inspired her to enroll, Kaiser responded, “No, what kind of a stupid question is that? Everyone knows he went to King’s College, not Columbia. I just heard that you guys had a super cool statue of him.”

Unfortunately, the Hamilton statue did not meet Kaiser’s high expectations. “This kind of whitewashing is unacceptable,” she fumed. “Everyone knows that he was Puerto Rican—the lyrics even say he was an immigrant! A bastard, orphan, immigrant, war vet who united the colonies through more debt!” In Kaiser’s opinion, the statue should also be biting its lip, raising one eyebrow, and wearing a newsboy cap.

When informed by Federalist reporters that Miranda was merely an actor and that the real Alexander Hamilton was white, Kaiser’s response was, “I’m erasing myself from the narrative.”

By Amelia Fay, Phillip Ruddy, Ruya Tazebay, Selina Yang, Sherrye Ye, Sophie Gorup, Talia Abrahamson, Talia Levin, Wisdom Iheanyichukwu, Yumtso Bhum, Zoe Charlotte