At USPS Congressional Hearing, Postmaster Commits to Fire Hedwig, Hires Pigwidgeon

This morning, Postmaster General Louis DeJoy is defended his management of the U.S. Postal Service before the House Oversight Committee, following various concerns regarding the agency jeopardizing the November election. After pressure from the Left, DeJoy finally conceded: “Okay, you snail-mail-sucker neo-libs got me, I’ll make some changes.”

After a thorough review of the Postal Service budget, it was clear that some of their owls were just too high maintenance. Between the talon-clipping, mice-breeding, and putting aside billions for pension plans, the Postal Service is stretched too thin. 

In a contentious decision, DeJoy announced a plan to reshuffle some of the old-guard staff and introduce some newer beaks to the service. 

This marks a sad day for those who love the little white feathers tucked into the duct-tape of the rice cooker they ordered on Amazon Prime, as beloved Postman Hedwig is retiring. “Neither Rain, Nor Sleet, Nor Dark Of Night” was always Hedwig’s motto to live by, but this marks the first of many rainy days just reading a book, and darks of night by his lonesome for beloved Postman Hedwig.

Delaware Senator Tom Carper was devastated by the decision. The senator has been roasted by the press for continuously dropping F-bombs during the live webcast earlier this week, thinking he was on mute. Following the hearing, he released a statement: “My fellow Americans, today I blew my fuse. But frankly, I don’t give a hoot! It’s time people know how much I love owls. I’m not ashamed.”

The Federalist has reached out to J.K. Rowling for a comment, but she didn’t have one. Thank god.