Rating Fictional Rabbits for Absolutely No Reason at All, I am So Sorry

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1. Annie’s

10/10: As Dickens once wrote, “I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.” And no, I absolutely am not lactose intolerant.

2. Bugs Bunny

9/10: Ladies… Bugs may be a mere four feet tall BUT!!! He eats clean, he has a sense of humor, he’s starred in over 150 cartoons, and he made his debut in an Oscar-nominated movie. Need I say more?

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3. Buster Baxter

2/10: Jailhouse snitch if I’ve ever seen one.

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4. The White Rabbit

6/10: He’s late for a very important date, but you know what, he’s self aware and that’s all that matters. Also, can someone make a GoFundMe for this gentleman? That bitch Alice tore his house apart and he didn’t have renters’ insurance.

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5. Thumper

5/10: Thumper, you snivelling little runt, if you were actually Bambi’s friend you would advocate for stricter gun control. You clearly don’t care about Bambi’s mom at all, and I bet you’re a member of the goddamn NRA. Go polish your bump stock.

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6. Peter Rabbit

0/10: Minus 9.5 points because he’s voiced by James Corden. Minus another 0.5 points because his movie mocks children with allergies… #CancelPeterRabbit let’s get it trending!!!!

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7. Nesquik Bunny

7/10: Long ago, the four nations lived in harmony—chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, double chocolate. Then, everything changed when the fire nation attacked. (In other words, it was great while it lasted but Michelle Obama’s school lunch program split us up in 2010.) Sayonara, first love.

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8. Bunnicula

8/10: When he first became a vampire, Bunnicula would buy animal blood in bulk at Costco. But after he watched Cowspiracy, he became a stone cold vegan. Like any responsible adult, he no longer supports factory farming and only sucks the juice out of vegetables. (But minus two points because it’s hard to agree on a restaurant.)

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9. Hare from “The Tortoise and the Hare”

1/10: He definitely paid Rick Singer to get him into Columbia and slept with his Principles TA to get out of studying for the final. He’s majoring in Financial Economics but he’ll probably just end up on OnlyFans.

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10. The Easter Bunny

7/10: His Easter egg hunts are the only reason it took you so long to realize your parents were getting divorced. While you were searching for plastic eggs filled with Jelly Bellies and M&M’s, your dad was on Zillow browsing tiny houses. But, hey, doesn’t all the chocolate make up for it?

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