Op-Ed: If JFK Drove a Tesla Cybertruck, He Would Still Be Alive


Last week, Tesla did an on-stage smash test of the bulletproof windows on its new Cybertruck. Unfortunately, the test failed, as two of the truck’s windows were shattered with a metal ball. Because Tesla stock is plummeting and the brand is being relentlessly criticized, I feel the need to speak up: if JFK drove a Cybertruck, he would still be alive.

In defense of the Cybertruck, Tesla CEO Elon Musk said, “We threw wrenches, we threw everything, even the literal kitchen sink at the glass, and it didn’t break. For some weird reason, it broke now.” Now, most of you might read this quote and ask yourselves how Elon Musk could possibly have an IQ of 155. But not us true patriots. All I can think about is how this somewhat faulty technology would have saved our hottest ever president’s life.

Basically, what Musk is trying to say is that these windows can only be broken by a metal ball. They can endure “wrenches” and the literal “kitchen sink,” even the 65 slug that vaporized JFK’s head! And, as far as I’m aware, Lee Harvey Oswald didn’t try to murder him with a pétanque ball, so everything would have been dandy.

Had Elon Musk been alive in the sixties and outfitted JFK’s car, Johnny boy would have lived. Musk would have been Daddy-freakin’-Democracy. We would’ve been out of ‘Nam by ‘66!

When you look at Elon Musk, you may see a nine-year-old who was given one too many toy rockets for Christmas. But all I see is a patriot; show the man who could have saved JFK’s life some goddamn respect.