Student Panics About Getting Into Lecture That She Will Never Attend


MCBAIN HALL—With class registration approaching, many students are stressing about their possible schedules for the spring semester. As upperclassmen begin to enroll in their classes, one sophomore is becoming particularly agitated about her chances of getting into the courses she hopes to take.

In an interview with the Federalist, Mila Brown, CC ‘22, said, “I’m on the verge of a fucking breakdown. If I don’t get into ‘Earth, Moon, and Planets’ I might need to drop out and reconsider my entire future.”

As Brown is currently a Yiddish Studies major, it is unclear why this class is so important to her academic career. (Although she still needs to complete her science requirement, there is a plethora of other options.) But Brown is adamant that she needs to enroll in ‘Earth, Moon, and Planets’ because “the lectures would probably be, like, totally zen and amazing for napping. Not that I plan to go—fuck that—but the whole planets thing just fits my aesthetic so well. I mean, I read my horoscope on CoStar every day so I already know most of the stuff that will be on the final.”

As of press time, Brown has been panicking about her quickly approaching registration deadline and frantically searching for backup options. “If ‘Earth, Moon, and Planets’ doesn’t work out,” she told Federalist reporters, “I can just take one of the other ones in the Astrology Department. The other classes aren’t ideal, but at least they still kind of match the vibe of the star tattoo on my lower back.”