Last week, Apple announced their new noise-cancelling AirPods. Although they will set buyers back $249, many are still scrambling to get their hands on this upgraded Q-tip.
Krystal Jobs, a resident of the Upper West Side, had the following to say on the new product: “Like, Oh My God! I can’t even hear my family begging me to stop buying Apple products after bottoming out my bank account! It has, like, totally freed me from the consequences of my actions.”
When asked how she uses her new AirPods in her daily life, Krystal said, “I appreciate how they block out the noise of those totally uncool homeless people begging me for money on my way to SoulCycle.”
Sadly, Krystal passed away shortly after giving this interview. “Oh God, Oh fuck, it was horrible,” sobbed Aquamarine Gates, a personal friend of Krystal, “She could not hear me screaming about the bus behind her because she was wearing those sick AirPods!”
As of press time, it has been reported to The Federalist that President Bollinger has also ordered a pair of headphones for every member of the Columbia administration, so that they will be safeguarded from “noisy distractions. . . like that pesky graduate student union.”