In a move condemned by Democrats and Republicans alike, Donald Trump brought back US troops stationed on the Turkish-Syrian border. Columbia Admissions was caught off guard the following day, when their website crashed due to an extraordinarily large volume of applications. The Dean of Undergraduate Admissions, Jessica Marinaccio, told The Federalist that all of the applications were submitted to the General Studies school with the heading, “LET ME IN CUZ I FUCKING FOUGHT FOR THIS COUNTRY.”
Dean Marinaccio admitted that these new applicants had some impressive extracurricular skills. Every single one of them could disassemble and reassemble an AK-47 in under a minute. When asked how this could benefit the student community, Dean Marinaccio responded that Columbia will undoubtedly come top in varsity shooting this coming season. Furthermore, many applicants were experienced trauma surgeons, which will inevitably improve our CAVA experience for future NSOP cohorts.
All in all, the Columbia community would like to enthusiastically thank Mr. Trump for his indirect contribution to campus life!