Three Democratic Candidates Went to Columbia and All of Them Were Fucking Nerds


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Columbia boasts an impressive list of accomplished alumni. From the 44th president of the United States, to the notorious RBG, to Robert Kraft—yes, that Robert Kraft—our former students cover all aspects of the economy and the legal system. Soon enough, we may yet again have a Lion in the Chief Executive’s office. Of the twenty-three current candidates in the 2020 race for president, three of them are Columbia alumni. That’s right: Steve Bullock, Andrew Yang, and Beto O’Rourke all basked in Alma’s shadow and trekked up to the seventh floor of Hamilton at some point in their lives. Given that this is Columbia, each candidate is, of course, a Democrat—and a giant nerd. 

Steve Bullock

School and Years Enrolled: Columbia Law School, 1991–1994. 

First Year Mistakes: Wouldn’t swipe undergrads in to the Law Library, like a bitch. 

Embarrassing Extracurricular: He got his JD with honors, so I’m pretty sure he didn’t have time for any outside activities. He did, however, preface every response he gave in class with “Where I come from . . . ” and then immediately proceeded to talk about Montana.

Would his campaign hire you? They’re hiring cleaners to clear out their NYC headquarters before the lease is up at the end of the month. 

Andrew Yang

School and Years Enrolled: Columbia Law School, 1996–1999.

First Year Mistakes: Wore a shirt and tie to class a couple of times. 

Embarrassing Extracurricular: Does selling out count as an extracurricular? Interview prepping for a position as a corporate lawyer at Davis Polk & Wardwell took up most of Yang’s time here. 

Would his campaign hire you? Finance majors only. 

Beto O’Rourke 

School and Years Enrolled: Columbia College, 1991–1995.

First Year Mistakes: Applied to Spec each semester and was denied every time. 

Embarrassing Extracurricular: God, where do I start? Everybody knows that Beto played in a punk band and dated a Barnard girl, but did you know that he was a sadboi English major? Not only did he spend a majority of his time writing poetry and sulking around Brooklyn, but in 1991 he wrote a pretty sexist op-ed for Spec reviewing the Broadway musical The Will Rogers Follies. In it, he describes the female performers as “perma-smile actresses whose only qualifications seem to be their phenomenally large breasts and tight buttocks.”

As if that weren’t bad enough, Beto was also on the rowing team before they started throwing parties. He was the only kid in his Lit Hum class that read all of the Odyssey, naming his son “Ulysses” because he, and I quote, “didn’t have the balls to call him Odysseus.”

Would his campaign hire you? I heard that his campaign is looking for a Spanish tutor, so maybe.