Marching Banned From Campus Events


After a multi-faceted, equitable discussion, the University has reached the conclusion that from the tip of John Jay to the top of Baker Field, marching is banned! Students are amazed at the speed and efficacy of this policy decision, as votes to add a woman’s name to the facade of Butler Library still has not passed.

This decision was reached in discussions with administrators and Student Health Services (SHS) who, as always, are looking out solely for the best interests of Columbia’s student body.

According to SHS Executive Director Marcy Ferdschneider, too many students were getting shin splints from marching, causing overwhelm in the system. Apparently shin splint related appointments alone are the reason it takes three weeks to make an appointment. Worse, the sexy act of marching has led to a lot of incest amongst marching groups on campus; creating a boom in venereal disease that is even further overwhelming SHS.

“We hope that by getting marching banned, students will tread lighter, and maybe even slide some Dr. Scholl’s under those toesies,” Ferdschneider said.

Administrators also stated that this policy would call for an end to the University’s decades-long War on Fun. In a statement to Public Safety and Residential Life this morning, President Bollinger wrote: “Eh, well folks, I guess it’s over! Can’t really be a war without boots marching on the ground!”

When Bollinger was later asked how this new anti-marching policy would apply to CUMB’s beloved ORGO night, he responded “I guess as long as they saunter into Butler, it should be chill.”