BUTLER–As Valentine’s day looms near, Columbia’s students are crawling out of the isolation of their Wien singles and deep library nooks, to once again lament their profound and everlasting loneliness. This self-imposed isolation is a defining feature of the Ivy League education all year round, but this Thursday, Butler Library will be offering a ONE NIGHT ONLY event sure to cure your sadness through a combination of comedy, movies, pizza, and board games, in a way that is not at all reminiscent of a date at the local nursing home.
Word has it that all of Columbia’s eligible bachelors, bachelorettes, service animals, creepy TA’s, and Deantini himself will be attending. “We’re really looking to go balls to the wall,” said the Public Safety officer who gives you a death stare when you forget your ID. “I’ll be giving every person who swipes into Butler a color-coded Kanken, stop-light party style.” The university is really going all-out to ensure that every sad boi finds his sad-nongendered-partner this Valentine’s day.
To further help you get it on, the security guards will not be breaking up couples fucking in the stacks. The stacks are also available for scheduled “seven minutes in heaven” sessions, but since it’s Butler, the average time will probably be about five minutes before couples split to return to their problem sets.
To mark the event, ButCaf will be offering a one-night special selling heart-shaped Adderall, and horny comfort puppies have been let loose throughout the library to remind you how alone you are. Students can opt to increase their wellness with the occasional small dog humping their leg under the desks. Alternatively, be sure to look around for Stress Busters in their classic blue-and-orange shirts. If you see a member sitting alone at a table, pull up a seat and they’ll help you bust all your stress out under the table.