With increasing demand for study abroad options and limited funding, the Office of Global Programs has created a new program allowing students to pick from, any library that is not Butler Library as a Study Abroad option. The program comes after a great deal of complaints that most of the study abroad experiences were merely created by Columbia to foist its students on other international institutions.
“In an increasingly interconnected world, we at the Office of Global Programs are hoping that a trip up to Union Theological Seminary or down into Lehman can be reframed as its own rich adventure!” said representative Linda Mulcher. “A change of scenery can really open up one’s mind to the possibilities in the world, or in the specific collections of books at each library.”
The news was accompanied by uproar from thousands of graduate students who had been hiding from their more youthful and hopeful counterparts in the numerous other libraries on campus. “This is our ancestral homeland,” claimed Alex Poulopoulos, TC’19. “We’ve been here for generations and this influx of young revelers totally disturbs our peaceful way of life. They come gallivanting into our lands to “have an experience” without any interest in honestly understanding the communities they’re disturbing. It’s been decades since anyone snorted a line in the bathroom of the geology library and now we can’t even tell what mineral powder is and is not a hard drug!”
The program is being advertised via stylized posters around campus, pushing students to try out new libraries for their exotic feel. Each library has even been given a promotional tagline, such as Lehman Library: The Flower of EC, Watson Library: Come in and Sell Out, and The Social Work Library: You Didn’t Even Fucking Know About This One Did Ya?
Despite these increased initiatives, undergrads are still reluctant to step outside the “hurt locker” that is Butler Library. “There’s just something so reassuring when you know everyone else around you is totally fucked because they have poor time-management skills and decides the only way to remedy their impending failure is to lop themselves in with everyone else in the same predicament. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize my guaranteed procrastination by leaving!” said one student sitting in ref looking at memes.