Eight Sexualities to Spice Up Your Resume


As their senior year rolls forward, members of the Class of 2018 are scrambling to polish their resumes in hopes of securing employment after graduation. While an Ivy League education certainly helps any applicant, companies in today’s job market are looking for a more modern body of experience in their entry-level employees. One way to appear more interesting to employers is to diversify who you’re interested in. That’s right, we’re talking about sexuality. When it comes to locking down a salaried position in the cutthroat cities of 2017, straight is no longer great — that’s why The Fed has compiled a list of alternative sexual persuasions to turn your online application into a first-round interview.

#1: Homosexuality

This is a classic choice. Well-known among employers and growing in popularity across a variety of fields, Homosexuality is the “Proficiency in JavaScript” of the modern resume. You may not know excel, but you’ll excel in breaking the binary in the office.

#2: Lesbianism

A slightly more specialized skill set than homosexuality. Employers will value your dedication to a single area of interest, marking you as a potential asset on long-term projects. Lesbianism presents you as a true authority in your field and an even bigger authority in the bush.

#3: Bisexuality

Adding this “dual degree program” of sorts to your resume is a sure-fire way to demonstrate your strong work ethic. It’s just that much easier to get ahead when you can enticingly shake that butt for anyone in the office.

#4: Pansexuality

Talk about transferrable skills! Pansexuality offers a breadth of knowledge that no other sexuality can boast, which can make the difference between the “no” pile and the “yes to everything” pile.

#5: Demisexuality

A less common choice but no less valuable. Demisexuality paints you as the kind of employee who will only accept a job offer at a company where they really “click.” You’ll be a shoo-in for organizations aiming to strengthen their workplace morale, but only if that works for you of course.

#6: Asexuality

With asexuality, you’re essentially calling yourself your own boss. Good for freelancers and executives, though less effective for those looking to get in at the ground level of a major corporation, where most of the work will likely be collaborative. It’s also reassuring to employers that you pose no risk of fucking your way up the corporate ladder, and leaving a trail of heartbroken lovers along the way.

#7: Queerness

The vagueness of this one will work to your advantage. Don’t meet all the prerequisites? No Problem! Need a career change? Say no more, you’re generally able to do anything and if anyone tries to narrow it down you can just shoot them a mean look and they will likely give you a job out of guilt.

#8: Sapiosexual

Not a sexuality. The equivalent of listing “frequent consumer of food” on an application to culinary school. Your passion for intelligence is likely rooted in some sort of insecurity in yourself, so check that out and get back to us and maybe we’ll consider you on our next hiring cycle.

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