COLLEGE WALK — After months of practice and bulking up, football player Terry Gunderson has reduced the number of steps it takes to cut a student off in foot-traffic down to just two, a 33 percent improvement from his former path-crossing number of three.
“When you see me take a mere two slow, lumbering steps to walk in front of you, I make it look easy,” Gunderson said. “But if you break down the numbers, you see just how big an achievement that really was. I cut down my steps by a whole 33 percent – that means 33 percent slower per step, 33 percent longer, and, though the research has yet to come in, maybe 33 percent more frustrating.”
Other students have expressed surprise at Gunderson’s new, lengthier steps, describing them as “frustratingly lazy” and “elephant-like.”
“When I saw Gunderson stomping out of John Jay with a smoothie in hand, I was prepared to wait for his normal three unbelievably slow steps,” Richard Thompson CC ’19 said. “Instead, I was met with two of the longest, most deliberate steps I have ever seen. It was like time froze. Gunderson’s body blocked out the sunlight entirely, like some sort of eclipse. From a few feet away I barely even saw his feet moving. I was transfixed.”
Gunderson recently broke the previous Butler-to-Low step record, taking only 23 steps door-to-door, clocking in a total time of three and a half days.
“With a mass as enormous as this able to travel at such slow speeds, I don’t see how the football team could lose this season,” football teammate Rick Dickson said.
At press time, students across campus remained too scared of Gunderson to tell him to speed the fuck up.