Senior Wisdom

Name: Dr. Andre Adams

  • School: CC
  • Defend Your Major: All those numbers in your precious Vox thinkpieces have to come from somebody’s ass.
  • Israel or Palestine? Palestine never offered me an all expenses paid indoctrication where I can meet fellow breeding-age New York Ashkenazi Jews, so…
  • Favorite War Criminal? George W. BUSH!! #real o.O t r u t h O.o #real
  • Do You Mind If I Sit Here? How dare you talk to me.
  • How Do You Blast Those Love Handles? Asymmetrically
  • Fondest Childhood Venereal Disease? Privilege
  • Do You Have A Color-Coded Right to Speak? Does stammering uncomfortably every time race comes up because you didn’t know any black people until you were 15 count?
  • Does Your Dad Kiss You on the Mouth? Not without active, enthusiastic consent.
  • Last Words: About time.


Name: Jailey

  • School: GS/JTS
  • Defend Your Major: Me carcass sways the nasador o’ the gosling—so dulcent so swift so suckle throwt me prested-woken’d yarble.
  • Israel or Palestine? Aye, say ye, Detenance! Strem and scream and helter skelter. Aye non, me says, poot your civimaggot away to rot and pointandpoint follow.  So Israel.
  • Favorite War Criminal? Brett Krasner. Wont thy scuchmachine to chinwagin me, yon the babe gosling (UUUWK kweouk UUUWK kweouk?) roasts sur the cripplecrappletendercackle and we setten.
  • Do You Mind If I Sit Here? Such real oheeyass I feel! I feel such real oheeyass!
  • How Do You Blast Those Love Handles? Et aye, my sweet, such I feel oheeyass that to me feel real! The yarble biggenwidens with the What soft in my delanted orificicles!
  • Fondest Childhood Venereal Disease? Aye, my syphilized yarblebling does get festive with the—What soft in my delanted orificicles!
  • Do You Have A Color-Coded Right to Speak? I’m not that organized.
  • Does Your Dad Kiss You on the Mouth? Ye devest me and I quillenly attendrate my dulcent so seeckle gosling. What perversion!
  • Last Words: FREE GOOSE


Name: Shake n’Bake

  • School: the ‘nard
  • Defend your major: someone’s gotta deal with the finance bros’ crippling depression and anxiety ONCE THE REVOLUTION COMES
  • Israel or Palestine? Only one of them has the word ‘palace’ in it.
  • Favorite war criminal? Charlie Chaplin.
  • Do you mind if I sit here? If by ‘here’ you mean ‘on my face,’ then of course not.
  • How do you blast those love handles? IEDs (Improvised Exercising Disappointments.) I tried.
  • Fondest childhood venereal disease? Isn’t chickenpox just herpes?
  • Do you have a color-coded right to speak? Yes. When I’m with a white person, I don’t talk to them. When I’m with a black person, I don’t talk to them either. When I’m with other POC, I also don’t talk to them. Tl;dr: I don’t like talking to humans.
  • Does you dad kiss you on the mouth? My daddy kisses me wherever he wants.
  • Last words: “Hmm…this is the worst turbulence I’ve ever experienced.”


Name: Na-Trash-A

  • School: The angry feminist one, BC
  • Defend Your Major: Economics also known as, I will be your future boss.
  • Israel or Palestine? I don’t ask for ID before they enter me.
  • Favorite War Criminal? Spec or Bwog.
  • Do You Mind If I Sit Here? I’d rather you sit on my lap but I guess next to me is fine.
  • How Do You Blast Those Love Handles? Is that an American thing?
  • Fondest Childhood Venereal Disease? The patriarchy. Can you tell I go to a Women’s College?.
  • Do You Have A Color-Coded Right to Speak? I plead the 5th
  • Does Your Dad Kiss You on the Mouth? Wouldn’t know, he still doesn’t know about me.
  • Last Words: I need not explain my fame. Imitate thou able not. My odyssey to greatness envied. I am you, president. Daughter of Deborah, sister of Athena and wife of Beta, I am wise, I am senior.


Name: McKenzie Supreme Leader Fritz

  • School: The Debora L. Spar College of Hwhite Corporate Feminism
  • Defend Your Major: Thanks to my Political Science and Human Rights majors, I can one day write a thought-provoking think piece that your racist Aunt Marcia posts to Facebook with the caption “FAKE NEWS”.
  • Israel or Palestine? As my hero, Miss Teen South Carolina 2007 once said, “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”
  • Favorite War Criminal? I’m going to prematurely say Donald Trump…I’m an optimist!
  • Do You Mind If I Sit Here? My face is actually fully booked for the week but I might be able to squeeze you in next Tuesday.
  • How Do You Blast Those Love Handles? A combination of crisco, saran wrap and courage
  • Fondest Childhood Venereal Disease? Crabs, my mom is hypoallergenic and crabs were so much cooler than that fucking beta fish.
  • Do You Have A Color-Coded Right to Speak? Well I took Lee Bollinger’s Freedom of Speech and Press course sophomore year, so now that I’m an expert I’m going to say that censoring #Spec op-eds would probably have a chilling effect on the insightful rhetoric found in the Columbia Buy Sell Memes page and I’d probably also continue to evade the question and use some of my favorite buzzwords like “problematic” or “intersectionality”.
  • Does Your Dad Kiss You on the Mouth? Only on the weekends because during the week I live with my Grandma.
  • Last Words: Peace. Love. Butthole.


Name: Breeeeet

  • School: GS/JTS
  • Defend Your Major: We look at past societal and state conflicts and incorrectly predict the next ones. We also correctly fuck new conflicts up.
  • Israel or Palestine? Well this israeli a hard question for me to answer now isn’t it? Tbh both are cool tho.
  • Favorite War Criminal? Obama
  • Do You Mind If I Sit Here? Get off my lap
  • How Do You Blast Those Love Handles? I’m literally a walking human skeleton so @everyone plz send some love handles my way cuz winters get super cold for me.
  • Fondest Childhood Venereal Disease? CC elitism for sure.
  • Do You Have A Color-Coded Right to Speak? What, do you think society is color blind or something?
  • Does Your Dad Kiss You on the Mouth? No, but yours does 😉
  • Last Words: Eat shit commies I’m outta here.